Sunday, December 30, 2018

The Split Year

Oh, hey half of 2018 (and all of 2017 tbh), you kind of were a challenge for me personally and I'm kind of giving parts of you the side-eye.

My anxiety was at an all time high.  I cut a lot of people out of my life and kept pretty much to my family and a few friends.  I scaled way back on social media and admittedly shared the most superfluous of things. 

I let people get in my head and a few off the cuff comments take root.  Whether it was real or my minds way of twisting things, it was what it was and I was left questioning my abilities and the things that I loved.

 I stopped writing which has always been an outlet for me.  I don't write for any other reason than to get things out, to share things I love.  I lost sight of that.  I may never have more than a few friends reading and that's all right by me. 

 I stopped running after Dopey.  Maybe it was because I did nothing but train for races for three years, maybe it was because I shifted my focus from loving the running to being something and someone I wasn't.  I'm not entirely sure, but I stopped and honestly, up until lately I haven't really missed it.

I stepped out of my comfort zone when I applied for and moved to a new role at the nine to five part of my world.  I decided that I could do more than what I felt like others thought I was capable of and sure enough I can.  That one small step changed everything for me. 

I have spent the last half of the year reclaiming me.  It has brought me much growth and the realization that the only person who really should be determining my worth and my abilities to do things I like to do, and things I want to do in my life is me. I figured out who were my friends and who most likely ranked me as just a number or a friend when it was convenient and adjusted my expectations accordingly. 

Once I got that sorted out the rest of my year started filling out.  I stopped talking about it  and  finallly applied to become a travel agent with Living With the Magic Vacations and launched my business in August. 

In September, I flew to Disney World by myself went to Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party by myself and had a blast.  I lost my fear of "what will people think?" Will people think I have no friends, or that nobody wanted to spend time with me?  It no longer matters (or matters less). 

Here's my intent for 2019.  You can expect to see me more around these parts.  More about my travel business and any deals that come up.  More of my favorite nerds.  More of me not being afraid to be me because people might not get it. 

I'm declaring 2019 the year of "Do it Anyway." It's ok to be nervous, it's ok to be scared, but do it anyway.  Most likely it is not nearly as scary as I think. 

Who else is looking forward to 2019?  What are you most looking forward to in 2019?

Monday, November 5, 2018

This is 50

So this is 50 or 350 years in dog years as I was kind enough to point out to my Mom when she reached this new age. I always thought 50 was OLD.

I've always been embarrassed to share my age because well, honestly, I really don't know why.  I just was. 

I spent my twenties largely being stupid. Making poor choices and burning bridges. Believe me when I tell you that I am so thankful social media was not a thing.

I spent my thirties fighting myself, trying to smooth bridges and found my hockey nerd and settled down and had Mighty and Mini. 

I spent my forties in varying degrees of chaos.  It's the decade that I started to  narrow  down what I want to be  when I grow up. Because I'm not there yet. This last year has brought me growth and peace. 

Peace to be me and to thumb my nose at those who chose not to see my worth.  Rather than obsessing with the WHYS.
I have faced cancer, miscarriages and surgeries.  I have faced insecurity and anxiety.  I have earned my big ole forehead wrinkle and my crows feet.  

I can choose not to age quietly and protest my double chin, my occasional mustache and my puffy synthroid face. 

I will wear glitter, play with snapchat and have funky taste in hair color and do all the things that I'm not "supposed to do" because I have reached a new decade.  

I am stepping out, being brave and confronting my fears and doing what I want to be doing. Even if I am the only person who thinks I can do it.   

So this is 50, and I think I'm really going to like it here. 

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Take the Trip

There's this girl I know.  You might recognize her too. She loves her family something fierce, a large part of her social media feeds are of her family and maybe a selfie or fifty because, well she normally takes the pictures of everyone else.  

She works hard, plays equally as hard.  She is mom, chauffeur, counselor, physician.  Equal parts disciplinarian and comedian.  Attempts to keep schedules in her head and quite often makes mistakes. Boy does she ever make mistakes 

She used to have a hobby that she loved, that hobby would take her to fun destinations to meet friends for weekends here and there.  But this specific girl, lost her love for that activity.  Started thinking about the whole "you have eighteen summers" thing and upon realizing that she was getting closer to the smaller end of that countdown decided to take a break for a bit. 

You might have guessed it by now, this girl is me.  But really I think any Mom/parent/adult figure can see parts of themselves in varying degrees/aspects in my story.

I used to get so worked up leading to weekends without family that I couldn't sleep and would have panic attacks leading up to and during my trip. I was often asked about "leaving" my family on the regular.  I was met either with a hard judgey side-eye or a high five.  Neither of which should be warranted really. 

As I'm typing this I'm on a plane home from a crazy short weekend trip to where else? Orlando. 
I met a friend, mostly flew by the seats of our pants but I checked off an agenda that I had in my head, that I didn't even know that I had. 

I did a bunch of new things, revisited some old favorites.  Enjoyed amazing food and great company.   I'm coming home exhausted but recharged.  Relaxed but energized.  The best part anxiety and guilt over what other people think did not weigh me down. 

There will be more I want to share from this weekend.  But if you've gotten this far and see yourself in any of this, my recommendation is this, take the trip. 

Do you, be unabashedly you, the non-parental figure you, grab a friend and go have some fun.  It is so worth it.